It’s been years since I’ve cried in front of Mum. My main role when I’m at home is chief cheerer-uper. Her mood is so fragile, and emotional memory so much stronger than factual memory, that any seemingly small upset can linger for ages. It’s impossible to cheer someone up when they can’t remember the reassurance you have just provided or even why they are upset. So I hate upsetting her and I also don’t want her to worry about me. Being a burden on us, now and in the future, has long been one of her main concerns, and for a long time she was unfairly aware of how sad it all is and how hopeless the future. But this morning she caught me out and it turned out to be a good thing.
It was a fraught morning. Undressing, showering, drying and dressing (which can go quite smoothly) were one long chorus of “ow; what are you DO-ing; mutter mutter mutter scowl; that HURTS; what are you DO-ing; I can’t breathe”. In the background, an on-going debate with Dad about an appointment that had been booked by Ali for Mum but had been forgotten and missed, highlighting again the challenges of remote caring.
Toenail cutting (or toe cutting as Mum seemed to think it was) finally done I stayed sitting on the floor for a moment to gather myself. At which point she asked me if I was alright. Not sure if I’d get the words out I just shook my head and stayed where I was. She asked again and a tear snuck out.
Mum: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m sad.
Mum [puzzled]: But we love you.
[Well that did it. Cue more tears from me and a move to hug her]
Mum [hugging me back]: We’re just silly old people.
Mum [rubbing my back and patting me]: It’s OK. Come on now.
And you know what? Not only did I feel better, but Mum’s mood improved too. I’ve been so busy missing having a mum, I hadn’t stopped to think that perhaps she was missing being my mum too. The role reversal has been so complete that I think it did us both good to remember, however briefly, how it was meant to be.
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4 replies on “Role Reversal”
Lizzy November 11, 2015 at 9:41 pm
It’s very interesting that this has come up today. I am currently doing a stint in admin for the older adults mental health team.
I have seen how vital family members are to appointment keeping and also how far away the family members trying to manage these normally are. It’s really opened my eyes to the difficulties faced by both patient and careers when it comes to day to day management. For every cc’d letter I thought of you both. For every dna’d apt with patients who obviously have no support I felt thankful that your mum has not only your dad but you both.
I am unashamed to say I cried reading this blog. I am so glad, however brief, your mum was able to be a mum, and you a daughter.
Edwina November 11, 2015 at 10:37 pm
The eleventh day of the eleventh month – which we spend remembering the dead.
Thanks for reminding us that we need to remember the living.
Helen November 15, 2015 at 6:25 pm
I hadn’t thought of it like that, nicely put thank you.
Amanda Collier January 12, 2016 at 3:32 pm
I read this back in November and never got round to commenting – bought tears to me then and now !
You articulate how it is so very well Helen (and Ali), XX
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